The Resolution for Men Read online

  You know how to do this if you’ve ever dated or courted someone. You can tell if her heart is with you or not. You know when something is not right, when the connection between you is strained. If this is a relationship you really want to pursue, you’ll talk as long as she needs, go the extra mile, fulfill any promise, do whatever it takes to make sure you have her heart and she knows she has yours.

  Why should your relationship with your children be any different?

  Jesus was so loyal to His heavenly Father that He was able to say, “Whatever the Father does, these things the Son also does in like manner” (John 5:19). And here’s why: “For the Father loves the Son, and shows Him all things that He Himself is doing” (John 5:20). The Father knew the heart of His Son, and the Son entrusted His heart to the Father.

  How well do you have your children’s hearts?

  How sure are your children that they have yours?

  How Fathers Lose Hearts

  Despite this, fathers are notorious for doing things that anger their children and lose their hearts. Ephesians 6:4 says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Colossians 3:21 says, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.” Before telling us to train and instruct our children, we are warned not to frustrate or embitter them. Why?

  Because if we lose their hearts, we lose everything. They simply won’t listen to us. This is so important that if it is not heeded, fathering will fail.

  Intimacy is tied to feeling emotionally safe around someone. If your kids get angry with you and you don’t resolve it, their hearts will close off to you and become bitter. Then the Devil will begin to fill their minds with accusations against you. He will develop a “list of crimes” in their thoughts of wrongs you have committed, then he will use this list to help them justify rebellion against you.

  So when your children get angry with you, you need to stop what you are doing, get engaged, and help them deal with their anger until it is gone. You cannot live in denial and tolerate even one barrier that chokes out your ability to influence them for good.

  Here is a list of ten things that fathers do to anger and lose the hearts of their children. Seriously consider these to see if any of them are present in your relationship with your child. Work hard to eliminate the following “heart hindrances” that will push them away.

  1. Your absence. Whether a man abandons his kids all at once or is never home because he’s always working, he still leaves them as sheep without a shepherd. This sends the signal to your kids, “You’re not important enough for me to prioritize you, spend time with you, or really care about what’s going on in your life.”

  2. Your anger. Proverbs 27:4 says that wrath is cruel. When you react in anger, you can thoughtlessly say or do things in the heat of the moment that deeply wound your son or daughter’s spirit long-term, which can cause them to withdraw from you. Love is slow to anger. But if you blow your top, then humble yourself and quickly apologize. Too much is at stake!

  3. Unjust discipline. Children can sour if they feel discipline is unjustified or administered unfairly. Parents must explain rules and consequences clearly using God’s Word and authority rather than their opinion (Ephesians 6:1–3). Every time you discipline, ask yourself, “How can I train them without losing their heart?”

  4. Harsh criticism. Dads can sometimes be unnecessarily hard on their kids. What seems like a small chisel of criticism to you can feel like a crushing hammer to them. Never call your children names or embarrass them in public. Don’t be sarcastic or belittling. Show them how to laugh at themselves and learn. Kids who have no freedom to fail will tend to rebel when given any freedom at all.

  5. Lack of compassion. Mercy warms hearts; carelessness distances them. Children can get worked up about temporary, pressing matters—school, friends, feelings, competitions. We must provide a listening ear, wise counsel, prayerful support, and a willing hand. Rescuing your kids during times of panic makes you their hero! Help them think of you as an oasis they can run to, not a dry desert that offers no relief.

  6. Favoritism. Less favored children become resentful. Favoritism and jealousy in Scripture led Rachel and Leah to fight and Joseph’s brothers to hate him. You may not feel like you play favorites—but perception is reality to your children if they think you do. Every one of your children should know that you have no favorites, but if you did, it would probably be them because of your great love for them.

  7. Hypocrisy. No one is perfect, but preaching one thing while doing another, breaking promises, and refusing to apologize will kill trust between you and your children. When they identify hypocrisy in you, be quick to repent, turning from your sin and seeking God’s forgiveness along with your family’s.

  8. Hurting their mother. Whether through divorce, adultery, or mistreatment, children feel confused and betrayed when their father hurts their mother. They will tend to take up offense for the woman who loves them. Since they are commanded by God to honor their mother, you need to defend her, not attack her. If you teach them to dishonor her, they will eventually dishonor you.

  9. Misunderstanding. Rebellion is often tied to kids feeling misunderstood and not listened to by their parents. When children open up, parents need to listen carefully and then communicate back to the child what they have heard before sharing their own opinions or disagreeing with them. If a matter is important to them, it should be important to you. Tune in.

  10. Unrealistic expectations. Children will become quickly discouraged if they believe their parents have set them up to fail. Avoid comparing their weaknesses with another child’s strengths or expecting them to act as maturely as you. Parents are to find how God has “wired” their child and develop that “wiring” rather than forcing them to become something God never intended for them to become. If your child believes he can’t please you, he’ll eventually quit trying.

  Let these ten warnings signs help you avoid future pitfalls and also motivate changes that will draw your children back into your arms. As a father, you must keep your radar up to sense if you have your children’s hearts. Periodically ask them things like . . .

  Have I ever wounded you and not made it right?

  Have I said one thing and done another?

  Have I made promises and not kept them?

  Is there anything you’re angry with me about?

  Is there anything you’re not telling me because you’re afraid?

  Your kids may be able to present you with a “list of crimes” that have wronged or angered them. Find out. Be ready to write them down, work through them, and apologize so you can let the healing begin.

  A friend of ours was sitting with his family at a father-daughter banquet held by their church. Someone at the table asked one of the girls what her father had done that made the biggest impression on her. She said, “I remember one time when Dad was harsh with me. Then a few minutes later he came back into my room, and he cried and asked my forgiveness. I’ve never forgotten that.”

  God can graciously redeem our many failures for good, provided we recognize those failures and confess them. Too many men foolishly refuse to apologize because they’re trying to save face and don’t want to look bad. But their pride is only making matters worse. Dads who admit their shortcomings don’t lose their children’s trust. They gain it.

  And as we work through and turn off the bad stuff, we should also turn on the good stuff.

  Capturing Your Children’s Hearts

  Regardless of the age of your kids, you need to throw on the brakes and start spending more “heart to heart” time with them. Even if they’re not receptive initially. Even if trust needs to be rebuilt. Even if your children are grown and gone, your pursuit of their hearts must still go on.

  It’s time to turn the corner. To remember that teaching your children to love God cannot happen when you’re not loving them well yourself. It’s time to clear out all the noise
and discontent that’s created so much uncomfortable space between you and your children. Here are three powerful rivers that need to be unleashed and allowed to flow freely from your heart to theirs.

  ATTENTION

  Too many moments at home have found us busy while our children have waited in the shadows. They won’t wait forever. Too often we’ve allowed good things to steal us away from the best things—those priceless, unrecoverable moments with our kids while they’re growing up. We have a culture of men who ignore and don’t talk to their children. And this needs to change starting now.

  We should daily engage them, laugh with them, comfort them, and walk with them throughout life. “Tell me how you are doing.” “What have you been up to lately?” “What are you most excited about right now?” These are questions dads should ask often. We should make it clear to them that they can always come to us and talk about anything.

  Some fathers take each of their children out for breakfast for a little one-on-one time with Dad. Daughters love date nights, and sons relish a “Men’s Night Out.” Whether it’s riding bikes together, reading books, playing sports, or sitting at a coffee shop, time out with Dad can open up conversations you wouldn’t usually have at home with your kids.

  Brooks Adams, son of Charles Adams, U.S. Ambassador to Great Britain under the Lincoln Administration, was only eight years old when he wrote in his diary one afternoon, “Went fishing with my father; the most glorious day of my life.” Unaware of this, his dad also kept a diary, and he too had marked a comment about that same day and event. “Went fishing with my son; a day wasted.”11

  He missed the significance of that day.

  How many more days might they have spent together if this father knew how much it meant to his little boy? How many times have we considered it a “waste” to push our kids on the swing at the playground or to bring them a snack and a kiss on the head while they’re busy doing homework? Yet we find time to watch television, or surf the Web, or whatever else we deem valuable and necessary to us. We need to look back at Scripture, understand the job God has given us, and redefine the difference between “wasted” time and priceless investments.

  AFFIRMATION

  Both children and adults want the approval and praise from their dads. They want their father’s “blessing” in their lives. To bless means “to speak well of.” When you bless your children, you are lovingly using your God-given authority to verbally affirm them toward future success.

  God told Moses that the high priest should bless the sons of Israel by saying, “The LORD bless you, and keep you; the LORD make His face shine on you, and be gracious to you; the LORD lift up His countenance on you, and give you peace” (Numbers 6:24–26). Then God said, “So they shall invoke My name on the sons of Israel, and I then will bless them” (Numbers 6:27).

  When Jesus was baptized, a voice from heaven said, “You are My beloved Son, in You I am well-pleased” (Mark 1:11). God the Father was publicly affirming His Son by speaking love and acceptance over Him. He also invested in Jesus at that moment by sending His Holy Spirit down to Him. This not only encouraged Jesus but set Him up for complete success to do the will of His heavenly Father throughout His earthly ministry.

  As you learn to bless your children, this will become a powerful experience for them. It is important that you communicate to them, “You are my son (daughter) and I dearly love you. I am very pleased with you.” You should then follow up by investing in their future. You should pray for them, encourage them, introduce them to the right people, and give them what they need to help them be successful. Even adult men and women long for their father’s blessing if they never received it growing up.

  If you didn’t receive your father’s blessing, then you must discover that men who are surrendered to Jesus Christ share in the blessing Jesus received from His Father. Scripture says we are blessed “in Him” with every spiritual blessing and are “accepted and beloved” (Ephesians 1:1–14). Receive this blessing from your heavenly Father by faith, and then model it to your children. Anytime you greet them or talk to them, your countenance, the look in your eyes, and your tone of voice either says, “You are a delight to me” or “You are an irritation to me.” You should praise them privately, one-on-one, and publicly in front of others. “That is awesome! You are really good at that,” needs to come from your lips as their biggest cheerleader. Regardless of your past, step up to do this now!

  AFFECTION

  Our heavenly Father pours out His unconditional love on us (Romans 5:5), and so should we to our sons and daughters. What a tragedy to hear grown men confess that their fathers were never loving or affectionate. Jesus reached out and touched with love. So should we. Whether you received love from your father or not, you need to pour it out affectionately on your kids. Break this chain. Make sure they know deeply in their hearts that you care for them. Hug them, kiss them, hold them close. Interact with them in ways that make them fully see, hear, and feel your love.

  A child needs not only the discipline of a father but also his warm affection and tender love. When they are little, tickle them, kiss them, wrestle with them, and carry them proudly on your shoulders. As they grow up, don’t stop embracing them and putting your arm around them.

  Boys who feel loved by their dads are bolder, stronger, kinder to others, and more secure in their manhood. Girls who feel valued by their dads are more radiant, less desperate for a boyfriend, and more careful whom they marry. So invest in them, take them places, flood them with tender affection, leaving no question in their minds about your genuine love for them. One of the most painful regrets any man has as he ends his life is the love he withheld from others that were close to him. Love now so you can die without this regret.

  God has given us a powerful and amazing calling to bless our children and grandchildren and to teach them to love Him with all their hearts and lives. But they will not be drawn to believe what we say if we don’t speak it from within the context of a loving relationship with them. Our love touches them deeply and opens their hearts to hear truth and follow their heavenly Father faithfully. Then they will likely pass on our blessing to their kids.

  So let’s step up to the plate with a new vision for success. And let’s boldly knock it out of the park for the sake of Christ and many generations to come!

  COURAGEOUS CHALLENGE

  Talk with your kids this week and “bless” them by telling them how much you love them and are proud of them.

  MEMORY VERSE

  Give me your heart, my son, and let your eyes delight in my ways. (Proverbs 23:26)

  Remember also your Creator in the days of your youth. . . . Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.

  Ecclesiastes 12:1, 13 (ESV)

  CHAPTER 8

  RESOLVE TO LIVE WITH HONOR

  I WILL train them to honor authority and live responsibly.

  Jesus said to make disciples of all peoples and all nations. This is our awesome, lifelong, privileged calling. So world evangelism and biblical training should be taking place among the nations, across the street, and in the privacy of our own families at home. However, as previously stated, somewhere between eighty and ninety percent of kids in America are abandoning their parents’ faith once they reach adulthood. At that tragic rate, the fifty million children who are growing up in church today would die out to fewer than seven thousand in only ten generations’ time. That’s sadly where current Christian families in America are headed without a radical change of leadership and direction.

  But if parents learned to win their children’s hearts and train them and their grandkids faithfully, like Deuteronomy 6 commands, great things could happen through generational discipleship. Think about this concept. If you and your wife had two children and trained them to faithfully live for Christ, and both of them raised two more children to faithfully live for Christ as well, then those same ten generations could produce 1,024 faithful believers—just from your family alone. If the
re were four children (instead of two) in each family, the total rises above 260,000. If there were six children in each generation, it could mean more than ten million followers of Christ—again, from your one family alone.

  This is more than a math lesson. This is a powerful reminder that your influence—for good or bad—lasts much longer than the few years your children are under your roof. Realize that when you speak into your children’s ears, you are speaking into the ears of your great-great-grandchildren as well.

  So when the Scriptures tell you to teach the Word “diligently” to your children “when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up” (Deuteronomy 6:7), the ramifications are both extreme and extensive. Raising kids who love the Lord is a true game-changer. And if your children are grown and gone, then start praying for them now and pouring into your grandkids as well.

  What and how should we be training our kids? According to the Bible, there’s another important element—besides love—that we must intentionally teach and model to our children and grandchildren: the instruction “to fear the LORD your God, to keep all His statutes and His commandments” (Deuteronomy 6:2). If they are going to study, know, obey, and follow God’s Word with their lives, then we must teach them to fear the Lord.