The Resolution for Men Read online

  But it’s no real surprise. Lack of love, lack of honor, lack of understanding for the holiness of marriage—they inevitably lead us to places we would never go in our right mind.

  So because the issue of faithfulness can become one of the key struggles in a man’s heart, and because it is so foundational to the sacred honor of marriage, and because our Enemy is so adept and deceptive at luring men away from their vows and commitments, lock down these ten action points for staying faithful in your heart and in your marriage—for keeping your wife “holy” in your sight. They’re critical to your success:

  1. Stay in close fellowship with God. Nothing is more powerful than an intimate, obedient relationship with God to satisfy the longings of your heart and help you overcome any temptation. Plugging into the vine of Christ empowers you to bear much fruit and avoid sin. A man who stays in God’s Word daily and cries out to Him in prayer will have stronger discernment, greater love for his wife, and the grace to resist temptation. Stay close!

  2. Stay in close fellowship with your wife. Maintain a fierce loyalty to her by putting new habits into place that draw you together. Call her from work. Turn off the TV and talk with her at night. Work through problems instead of avoiding them. Apologize often and forgive without hesitation. Take her out on a date as often as you can. Go through the Love Dare book. Speak highly of her in public. Attend a marriage enrichment weekend together. Always be a student of books or seminars that can help you have a stronger marriage. Pray together. Laugh together. Love together. Bloom her with your love!

  3. Avoid lust and pornography like the plague. Jesus said if a man looks at a woman with lust for her, he has already committed adultery in his heart (Matthew 5:27–28). Instead we must be like Job, who made a “covenant” with his eyes that he would not look lustfully at other women (Job 31:1), because lust is never satisfied and leads only to more lust and dissatisfaction. One of its biggest traps, of course, is pornography, which is all too available on the Internet and is currently perverting minds, darkening hearts, and weakening marriages by the millions. Viewing pornography is like eating out of a sewer. The only person you should see undressed before your eyes or in your imagination is your wife. Period. (If you or your friends are addicted to pornography, then see appendix 8 for some trusted tips on putting an end to its hold on your heart.)

  4. Never let your guard down. Solomon (the wisest man in the Bible), Samson (the strongest man in the Bible), and David (the man after God’s own heart) all fell the same way: women and sex. And if it could happen to them when they let their guards down, it can happen to you too. Whether you’ve been married for two weeks or forty years, you should always be on guard, maintaining a healthy fear of God and disgust with evil. Don’t trust your flesh to do the right thing because it is sure to betray you. Be aware that when you are fearful, frustrated, or fatigued, you are most vulnerable. Avoid tempting situations rather than trying to resist temptation. Set wise standards as to what media you will view. Avoid being alone in a room or in a car with another woman. Purity comes only to those who truly want it and tenaciously guard it.

  5. Lead your heart. Your heart will naturally chase after whoever looks good or appeals to you at the moment. So even though you should always treat women with respect, you must keep any woman other than your wife at a healthy emotional distance. Foolish men today are reconnecting with old girlfriends on social networking sites, not guarding their hearts, and then bailing on their marriages. Stay away from anyone who causes sparks because you will get burned. Our hearts can be selfish, deceptive, and very sinful. Don’t follow your heart; lead it. The more you pray for your wife, focus on her positive attributes, and invest in your marriage, the more your heart will turn toward her.

  6. Seriously consider the consequences. Solomon, son of King David and Bathsheba, grew up knowing and seeing how his parents’ one-night stand eventually led to the murder of Bathsheba’s husband, the death of their illegitimate child, the immoral life of David’s son Absalom, the loss of twenty thousand men in battle, and shame to the people of God. The immediate thrill of illicit sexual excitement is always followed by devastating, long-lasting consequences. Then the adulterer will conclude that those short minutes of pleasure were not worth the years of pain afterward. That’s when the “Affair to Remember” becomes the “Fornication I Can’t Forget.” (Turn to appendix 3 for a lengthy list of consequences that result from adultery. Read them with fear and trembling. Remember them when adultery comes knocking.)

  7. Run for the hills. The Bible commands us to “flee immorality” (1 Corinthians 6:18). Only a fool says, “I can handle temptation without sinning.” The wise man says, “I’m not going anywhere near it.” Whether it be a female coworker with flirty eyes, the TV in a hotel room, or an unfiltered Internet site, if it even barely starts to trip you up, get away from it as fast as you can. Establish some hard and fast rules, like, “No television or computer viewing after your wife’s in bed.” If you are falling, get rid of whatever’s tripping you up. Guard what’s holy and priceless!

  8. Lock shields with other men. Proverbs 18:1 says that when a man gets alone and away from others, he tends to do two unhealthy things: he “seeks his own desire,” and he “quarrels against all sound wisdom.” Since we are in a moral battle, we need other soldiers around us, men who can help us become better and stronger. By working together and being honest, men can help each other with their struggles, encourage their daily walk, warn against doing stupid things, and then provide counsel toward becoming more successful in marriage. Find some good men around you and start meeting for workouts, breakfast, Bible study, or prayer together. “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17 NIV).

  9. Don’t let divorce become an option. Adultery can obviously lead to a divorce, but Jesus pointed out how divorce can lead to adultery. “It was said, ‘Whoever sends his wife away, let him give her a certificate of divorce’; but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery” (Matthew 5:31–32). Many couples get a divorce because they’re not happy. But selfishness is never satisfied. Marriage is about love, not happiness—love that is unselfish and “does not seek its own” (1 Corinthians 13:5). If your relationship is not what it should be, how willing are you to get help to avoid divorce? What if it costs time and money for counseling or a marriage conference? Be willing to sacrifice and invest in it. God can resurrect any marriage if a couple will just die to themselves.

  10. Have better sex with your wife more often. God’s solution to sexual immorality is marriage (1 Corinthians 7:1–5). Meeting one another’s sexual needs helps us avoid Satan’s temptations toward immorality. But remember that your level of enjoyment during sex is more about what’s going on in your heart, mind, and spirit than in your body. Too often we don’t prepare ourselves emotionally, spiritually, and relationally for sex, then we wonder why the act itself is only marginally satisfying. Since the sexual relationship is founded upon your commitment, love, and intimacy, it is important to get all three of these things right before you are physically together. (See appendix 4 for seven steps to better sex with your wife.)

  In conclusion, God can give you an incredibly satisfying marriage. He is in the business of resurrecting dead marriages and strengthening good ones. Many marriages once destroyed by affairs, pornography, bitterness, alcoholism, or drug abuse have been restored after a man and his wife have been willing to get honest before God about their past failures, repent of their sins, forgive one another, and then recommit themselves to the ways of God.

  But let it start with you. Resolve to be a faithful husband, an honoring husband, a loving husband, one who lays down his life for the one he declared “holy” to himself at the wedding altar. Be the Christlike leader of your marriage. Give this relationship to the Lord, resolve to be faithful with it, and watch Him transform it into a wonderful adventure of lifelong love!


  COURAGEOUS CHALLENGE

  Set up one or more new protective moral boundaries in your life this week to help you guard your heart and your marriage.

  MEMORY VERSE

  Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge. (Hebrews 13:4)

  May God Almighty bless you and make you fruitful and multiply you, that you may become a company of peoples. May He also give you the blessing of Abraham, to you and to your descendents with you.

  Genesis 28:3–4

  CHAPTER 7

  RESOLVE TO BLESS YOUR CHILDERN

  I WILL bless my children and teach them to love God with all of their hearts, all of their minds, and all of their strength.

  Every little boy in a baseball uniform who steps up to the plate to face a pitcher will lift his bat with hope. But the intensity of that hope depends on the level of his self-confidence.

  Many go to bat just hoping they don’t strike out or get hit in the head. Some hope the pitcher will walk them to first. Others are only hoping they somehow hit the ball—somewhere, anywhere.

  But imagine a boy whose father currently plays in the major leagues. He’s watched his dad round the bases in massive stadiums before thousands of cheering fans. He knows the players on his father’s team by name. He was swinging plastic bats in the backyard when he was in diapers. Baseball is in his blood.

  As he steps up to the plate and looks over to see his dad cheering him on from the stands, he lifts his bat with a greater vision of success in his eyes. He knows he’s knocking this next pitch over the center fielder’s head.

  He truly believes he can do it.

  And this swing, this game, is only the beginning. He sees himself playing baseball in high school, college, and even the big leagues. His dad has told him he can. He’s heard his father’s vivid stories of sacrifice, hard work, and adventure on the way to playing professionally. His dad has put up posters of the all-time greats on his son’s bedroom wall and spent hours with him in the batting cage. He’s committed to walking his namesake through every step of the journey, to do whatever he can to make success happen for his son.

  This is what it looks like to have a higher definition of success than most people in the world. And this is what it looks like to have the blessing of your father.

  Too many parents have very low standards when it comes to defining success for their children. Some just want them not to mess up their lives. Others hope they will graduate from college and find a decent job. Although this sounds noble, it is not impressive in God’s eyes. That’s like hoping your son just gets to first base.

  But what should success look like for your children? Do they know? Have you told them and talked about it? Have they seen you modeling it yourself?

  This fourth point of Resolution is about getting God’s vision inside their heads . . . by resolving to get inside their hearts.

  Real-Life Success

  When Moses stood before the nation of Israel to give his final speech before he died, he boldly redefined success for them. “You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might” (Deuteronomy 6:5).

  Jesus later referred to this as the greatest commandment of all time. Through this, God is calling us to do the greatest thing (to love) toward the greatest One (God Himself) in the greatest way (with all that we are). If anyone finds worldly fame and prosperity but misses out on this, he actually misses everything. It is God’s will that we love Him, obey Him, and live for Him. He should always be our greatest priority and our first love.

  But not only is this how we define success for ourselves; this is how we are called as fathers to define success for our children and grandchildren. To see them living for Christ and making Him known through their lives is infinitely more important than their success on the ball field or in the classroom, more important than any award they may receive, more important than landing an impressive job or making a lot of money.

  To love God and do His will is to succeed in life. Period.

  But this message is more than just information for our kids to download or a sentence for us to say one or two times and hope they get it. Moses told us precisely how to instill this truth into our children’s lives:

  These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. (Deuteronomy 6:6–7)

  Two takeaways from this. First, God’s Word must “be on your heart.” Children who forsake the faith are usually those who did not see God actively working in their parents’ lives. But they develop an appetite for God when they see their dad and mom truly loving Him and walking with Him, when they see the blessings and rewards of your obedience firsthand. Whether it’s delighting in His creation, enthusiastically telling them stories from His Word, or celebrating His goodness in ordinary conversation, you should delight in the Lord around your kids. You can’t inspire them with truths you’re not living yourself.

  So when God answers your prayers, tell your kids about it. When He changes your heart or helps you overcome temptation, celebrate it with them. When you face a season of suffering or persecution, let them see the strength of your faith. Point out how He works. In your own life. In your own words.

  One clearly answered prayer can powerfully instill faith toward God in the heart of your child. One humbly confessed mistake can help them see the everyday reality of God’s redemption. Every day gives you fresh, new material for making your life with Christ a front-row experience for the whole family. Let them see that loving Him is what gets you out of bed in the morning.

  Second, training your children to love God must occur within the context of close relationships. It must be part of your daily interactions with them—when greeting your kids at the breakfast table, sitting around the house, having spiritually rich conversations in the car or at dinner, praying together before going to sleep each night.

  Help them fall in love with God!

  You don’t have to be eloquent or seminary trained to do this. It’s those “Did you know . . .” or “Hey, by the way . . .” moments that mean the most to your kids—things you talk about while you’re out in the yard, heading to the store, or working on a project together.

  Making disciples of all nations begins with your own children. By talking with your kids about Him through the day, and then (most important) modeling a love for Him in your own life, you set up your sons and daughters for long-term, multigenerational success.

  But it all starts with their hearts.

  Heart to Heart

  One of the most important ingredients for successful parenting is having your children’s hearts. Research shows that Christians are theologically losing the next generation. More than 90 percent of born-again kids today are rejecting the absolute truth their parents embrace. Respected apologist Josh McDowell explains it this way: “You can be the greatest explainer of truth. But if the very heart of your son or daughter does not believe ‘my daddy loves me,’ they will walk away from your truth.”9

  People tend to embrace the teaching and beliefs of those who love them the most. And your children are no different. They are much more likely to accept the truth you teach if you deliver it to them within a loving, heart-to-heart relationship. Whoever has their heart has their ears.

  This sheds light on why God ended the Old Testament with the need to “restore the hearts of the fathers to their children and the hearts of the children to their fathers” (Malachi 4:6). When this doesn’t happen, fathers invite the “curse” of broken relationships into their homes and truth is forsaken. So the success of Christian families truly depends on parents learning to shepherd the hearts of their children.

  One of the greatest challenges to any father is knowing how to properly wield his authority—how to be a gracious servant-leader rathe
r than a demanding tyrant. Some fathers are content with outward obedience only. The heart doesn’t really matter. They just want their kids to behave. But children in that situation will jump at the chance to disobey when their dad isn’t around. They’ll go elsewhere to find their affirmation—from the wrong people in the wrong places.

  You can tell when a father doesn’t have his kids’ hearts. You sense the disrespect and anger, the bitterness and emotional distance. The kids don’t want to be around him. They no longer listen to him. But children who trust their dad’s counsel and leadership are those whose fathers have been proactive in winning their hearts. “Give me your heart, my son,” Solomon said to his own child, “and let your eyes delight in my ways” (Proverbs 23:26).

  Dr. S. M. Davis wisely explains it like this:

  The key ingredient in raising good children is to get their hearts early, keep their hearts, and be extremely vigilant not to lose your children’s hearts. If you do lose your child’s heart, then quickly find out where and when you lost it, and put into action a plan to get their heart back no matter what it takes to do it. No matter how much time or trouble or money it takes to get back your child’s heart, you must decide ahead of time that you will be willing to pay the price.10