The Resolution for Men Page 8

  That’s God’s way.

  And should be our way.

  Think about it. Jesus, God’s Son—the most powerful leader of all time—had the authority to cast out demons, heal the sick, raise the dead, and calm violent storms. But when it came to those under His authority, He served and shepherded them instead of throwing His weight around. He cared for their needs and then willingly died for them by His own volition. Instead of trampling them under His feet, He knelt down and washed their feet. Jesus explained God’s leadership design this way:

  You know that the rulers in this world lord it over their people, and officials flaunt their authority over those under them. But among you it will be different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first among you must be the slave of everyone else. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many. (Mark 10:42–45 NLT)

  That’s courage.

  And it works beautifully in marriage.

  When God places the husband in leadership over his wife, He gives her the title of Beloved and commands her husband to love her unconditionally like Jesus loved the church. He should cherish her, nourish her, and lay down his life for her. No other culture, political group, or system of belief comes even close to that level of sacrificial honor and proper respect for women. For there is no “greater love” than that (John 15:13).

  As the husband, give your wife the strong protection and provision she needs. Free her up from carrying the marriage and family. Rescue her. And give her the time to pour life, love, and attention into your children.

  God’s Word says you are to live with her “in an understanding way” (1 Peter 3:7), serving her the way Jesus modeled for us. Treat her with honor as a “fellow heir of the grace of life,” or else God says your prayer life will be “hindered.” You will always need her counsel, discernment, and support to be successful in your role, but don’t let anything keep you from bearing the greatest burden of responsibility in your home. She is called your helper, just as God is a “helper” to us (Psalm 54:4), just as the Holy Spirit is a “Helper” who stays with us forever (John 14:16). But she will be a better helper to you when you help her, when you bear the greater load. Women are perfectly designed to partner with us so that our strengths complement one another’s weaknesses, so that together we glorify God more fully within the context of mutual respect and unconditional love.

  So lead your wife by serving her well.

  But don’t let your courage end there.

  Your Children Are Your Responsibility

  Let’s take it a step further. As the God-ordained leader of your home, the primary responsibility for the training and rearing of children is also on the shoulders of their father. This is not your wife’s sole job, or the school system’s, or even the church’s. It’s on you as the dad. This doesn’t mean your wife is not an active part of the process, but it does mean the greater responsibility is yours.

  Both the Old and New Testaments commission dads specifically to train up their kids and lead them toward spiritual maturity and success in life. Moses told the men in leadership over Israel to teach their children—“when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up” (Deuteronomy 6:7)—so that they and their grandchildren would learn to love, fear, and obey God. Later, in the New Testament, when the issue of child rearing came up in the early church, Paul directed his message specifically to men, saying, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).

  Sadly the majority of kids today are forsaking their church and faith after they graduate from high school. This is primarily the result of poor fathering. When dads lead spiritually, studies suggest that kids are up to twenty times more likely to stay in church long-term than when moms are the spiritual leaders at home.7

  If your kids are floundering, rebelling, or falling apart, there may be many reasons it’s happening. But the bottom line is, it is happening under your watch. And though you cannot control everything or fix it all overnight, you can be courageous enough to reengage with their issues now and make whatever changes necessary to turn things around with God’s ever-present help.

  A good leader doesn’t waste his time playing the blame game. Instead he gets immediately involved, leading with purpose, dealing with problems, then doing everything possible to prevent them from happening again. Even if your kids are grown and gone, it’s never too late to reach out to them and become a positive influence in their lives by praying, encouraging, counseling, and cheering them on. Until a man dies, his powerful position as a father and a grandfather still lives on. His remaining chapters are still to be written.

  In saying all of this, we’re not trying to load you down with guilt or to make what already seems like an impossible job even harder. Again, we understand that even such major problems as divorce or a child’s rebellion are not always a man’s fault. There are so many things involved by the time a situation gets this serious, and sometimes the issues are bigger than your love and leadership can completely control. But the likelihood of trouble skyrockets when a man becomes passive or disconnected or allows a relational or directional vacuum to develop in his home. And we don’t want that happening to you—or to us—by failing to keep God’s principles front and center. Our goal is to help you step up and win in the long run.

  So this is what we are challenging you to do. Starting today, the phrase “Not on my watch!” needs to be permanently ingrained into your mind-set. It’s time to start where you are and go forward as fast as you can. Take full responsibility as the leader of your family.

  Be strong and courageous.

  But how? Practically speaking.

  As the leader in your home, you are called by God to nurture your family with love, protection, and service. But first, with spiritual guidance.

  Being the Spiritual Leader

  When you break it all down and track it all back, the key to any man’s success—as a husband, a father, and everything else—is his own personal walk with God. Not just on Sundays but every day. Jesus explained that remaining in close fellowship with God is the secret to true fruitfulness and effectiveness in life (John 15:4–5).

  Trusting Him makes you wise. Relying on Him keeps you strong. Following Him shows you how to lead. But He said that if you don’t walk with Him, you won’t really accomplish anything. Life and relationships are simply too complex and difficult for you to make it on your own reasoning or strength.

  So your leadership of your family starts with your own one-on-one time with God. It is so important for a man to set apart time each day for prayer, reading the Scriptures, and tuning his heart with God’s heart. This may be a new concept to you, but this is a crucial step and is fundamental to strong spiritual leadership. You may need to rearrange your activities or reduce your entertainment options to do this, but this is foundational and is always worth it.

  God loves when men seek Him. “You will seek Me and find Me,” He promises, “when you search for Me with all your heart” (Jeremiah 29:13). So choose a time to daily meet with God. Guard it and spend it well.

  Seeking God in a very deliberate, devoted manner will impact everything else in your world. By filling your tank with His wisdom and love, He will increasingly enable you to navigate through any storms and help you pour into the lives of your family.

  As you focus on your relationship with God, you will find it more natural to want your wife and children to be enjoying the same thing. Jesus uses the Word of God to wash us and bloom us into a holy Bride (John 15:3; Ephesians 5:26). Leading your family with God’s Word is a key to helping them work through issues, love one another, and grow spiritually.

  Many men are learning how powerful and effective it can be to have a family time of devotion together. Even if it seems awkward or different at first, consider making this a part of your schedule ea
ch week. Be courageous about it! It’s really very easy. You don’t have to prepare anything or make it complicated. It can be as simple as getting together in the same room and talking about how everyone is doing, reading a chapter out loud from the Bible, followed by a simple prayer asking God to help you apply what you heard. Try it for one week, and see if you don’t find it one of the most bonding and fulfilling aspects of your day.

  The more time you spend with your family in God’s Word, the more you and your children will discover liberating truths and powerful principles to apply to your lives. Additionally, the more committed you are to worshipping weekly with your spiritual family at church, the more your children will see this as a priority and want to keep growing and maturing as a follower of Christ. You’re not just a leader. You’re the key influencer they need as a spiritual leader.

  And as impossible as that may sound, you can do this. And you can succeed at it. Plug in personally, and then lead the way spiritually.

  “I Will Love Them”

  Napoleon Bonaparte said, “Alexander, Caesar, Charlemagne, and I have all founded empires. But on what did we rest the creations of our genius? Upon force. Jesus Christ founded his empire on love; and at this hour millions of men would die for him.”8

  Leadership becomes extremely powerful and persuasive when the leader truly loves those He is leading. God not only wants you to lead your family but deeply love them. People tend to follow the teachings and leadership of those who love them the most.

  The more you walk with God and obey Him each day, the more of His love will be “poured out” in your heart (Romans 5:5). He will then increasingly deepen and enrich the love you already have for your family.

  LOVE THEM THROUGH YOUR MARRIAGE

  Children feel much more secure if they know their parents love each other. When they see you hold, kiss, and express affection for your wife, your children will stand taller in the day and sleep better in the night. But few things can break them down more than when Mom and Dad don’t seem to care about each other.

  If you are married, and your relationship with your wife is rocky or bland, you must do whatever it takes to put your marriage back on a sound footing. Swallow your pride. Work through your issues. Get godly counseling. Ask forgiveness for your part in any wrongdoing. Talk. Listen. Change.

  Remember, you are the man, and God has placed you in the driver’s seat to take the wheel on any issues harming your home or your marriage. Don’t wait for her. Step up and be the leader God meant you to be. It’s never easy, but that’s why God gave this courageous assignment to you. (The next chapter should help you with this.)

  If you are divorced, then acknowledge to your children that this was not the way you or God intended for your relationship to end. Ask for their forgiveness, and make the extra effort to show them in God’s Word how to make a marriage work so the cycle of divorce does not continue to repeat itself.

  LOVE THEM THROUGH WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

  Too many fathers find the words “I love you” difficult to say—even to their children—but it is absolutely necessary that they audibly hear the confirmation of their father’s love. Even if you never or only rarely heard it from your father, look them in the eye and tell them how valuable they are to you. That you’re grateful God gave them to you.

  Your words in ten seconds can change them forever and build incredible strength in your son or daughter’s sense of self-worth. A wise father will make sure his children have no doubt of their priceless value to him.

  LOVE THEM THROUGH YOUR TIME

  Words are important, but if your actions say otherwise, you’re sending mixed signals that will crush their trust in you. This is especially critical in your work. You should do your job well, of course, performing it with excellence as unto the Lord. But your children need to know clearly that your work is not more important to you than they are. If your kids feel they always get your leftover energy and attention, they will disconnect and struggle with resentment.

  But you can avoid this—as hard as it is—by putting limits on your time at work, delegating, and demonstrating that you will fight for your family. Certain seasons will crop up when work will demand more of your time than usual. But if this is always the pattern, continually an issue, then you’re masking a problem of the heart behind your commitment to work, likely getting more of your needs met there than you’re willing to admit. Your heart will follow your investment. Work will steal it away from your family if you let it.

  Your children’s level of confidence, security, and spiritual health are all connected to your influence in their lives, and your job doesn’t have the right to steal that from them . . . or from you. They will not remember what you did for them while you were at work as much as what you did with them. And the example you set will likely be what they follow and display for their kids as well. Provide that loving example to them.

  “I Will Protect Them”

  Fathers are the primary protectors—physically, emotionally, and spiritually. For example, when a man walks his daughter down the aisle at her wedding, he should be communicating two key things to her and the others attending: first, that he has guarded her moral purity throughout her life for her husband (2 Corinthians 11:2), and second, that the man to which he is now giving his daughter has been proven morally, financially, and spiritually qualified to lead her, provide for her, and protect her from that day on.

  Most men don’t realize or recognize this awesome responsibility. But as a father, know that you are called to shepherd and protect your children in each area of their lives during the short time you have with them.

  Jesus said, “When a strong man, fully armed, guards his own house, his possessions are undisturbed” (Luke 11:21). As the strong man of your home, you should lovingly keep your family from anything that will harm them in heart, mind, or body. A man should be aware, informed, and engaged in the lives of his wife and children—knowing what they’re about, what they’re thinking, who they’re around, and what they’re doing. He should prayerfully ask God to help him discern anything that might harm them or lead their hearts astray. Though this is time-consuming work, love drives men to guard what is valuable to them.

  You should not only guard your own heart but your wife’s as well. If the world is drawing her away from God’s priorities for her life, or if something or someone is threatening her in any way, it is your job to step in and protect her. The same is true with your children. You’d like to think that your kids will make wise choices automatically without needing a lot of oversight and supervision. But they need help making the right decisions. That is why you are still their dad.

  You may hope your wife will take care of these details so you can be free to do what you want to do. But being active on the front end as a father will pay off well and save you time and heartache on the back end.

  This is why spending time in the Word with your family is so important. It teaches your children to love wisdom instead of developing a greater appetite for the world. Like sheep, your kids may want to wander into areas that are unsafe, and it is up to you to do what is necessary to ensure their well-being, even if they don’t fully understand. If left alone, their tendency may be to lower their standards. But as their protective leader, your job is not just to give them boundaries but to use God’s Word to teach them how to think wisely so they will set their own standards. Train them to fear and love God and not to “set foot on the path of the wicked or walk in the way of evil men.” (Proverbs 4:14–15 NIV).

  From the television, the Internet, and the movie screen—to their interactions with the opposite sex—you are responsible for framing the parameters and laying the ground rules. But of course, you need to be sure you’re abiding by them too, not saying one thing while doing another. You must teach and train without hypocrisy. What you teach, you must live. You cannot tell your children to avoid drug and alcohol abuse if you are not. You cannot effectively warn them of the dangers of pornography if you are looking at
it. You cannot urge them to save themselves for a godly marriage, treating their body as God’s “temple” (1 Corinthians 6:19), when you are not loving your own wife as God commands with purity of thought and a carefully guarded heart. (Go to appendix 2 to see six of the most powerful influences you must guard in your children’s lives.)

  Yes, we all make mistakes and have fallen short of the glory of God, but your children can tell when your heart is sincere and purposefully living to please the Lord. Just ask yourself what you thought of your own parents. Very early on, you knew their level of integrity and honesty. You saw it, even when they didn’t know you were looking. Your kids see it in you as well.

  But by setting and modeling a high standard, you’re protecting their hearts and working in their best interests. You’re helping them not make avoidable and dangerous mistakes. You’re guiding them in the way of lasting, lifelong truth. The older your kids get, the more they will need to understand the rationale behind your rules. Those that are rooted in the truths and principles of God will give them a strong foundation. As your kids learn to walk with God and know His character, they will discern why certain things are right and wrong, wise and unwise, better and best. This requires your courageous leadership!

  “I Will Serve Them”

  When Jesus loved people, He identified their needs and then served them. He taught, healed, gave, worked, and led others in service both to the Father and to mankind. He demonstrated the highest commands of Scripture: to love God with all your heart, soul, and strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself.